What Makes a Marriage Great: Function + Attachment and How to Know the Difference and Go Deeper in Your Relationship
What Does a “Great Marriage” Really Look Like?
What do you think of when you picture a great marriage? Amazing teammates and partners? Fiery passion that lasts a lifetime? The ability to get everything checked off your to-do list, be stellar parents, and pay your bills without incident? A lack of conflict?
While these things are not necessarily wrong, they lack the deeper emotional connection that is needed to carry couples from the wedding altar to the grave and all the highs and lows in between. Couples who experience all of these good things can still find their marriage in dire straits when there is a lack of depth or attachment, and the relationship is primarily running on “function.”
Understanding the “Function” of Marriage
Examples of the “function” of marriage include:
• Parenting
• Caring for pets
• Caring for the home
• Paying bills
• Scheduling/logistics
• Extended family matters
When a couple is able to function together in all of the applicable areas above, life moves much smoother. There is less resentment and bitterness bubbling up between these couples. Conflict might be on the lower end because the day-to-day is taken care of together. However, it is not surprising when I encounter these couples in my office who are also experiencing deep loneliness and longing for their spouse. This emotional distance often happens because their attachment needs are going unmet.
For these couples, they function in a “50/50 marriage,” or the idea that each person has half of the weight they need to carry, and if the quota isn’t met, anger and shame enter the picture. If these couples stay together long-term, it is usually due to the reciprocal nature of their marriage that works for them only as long as the other person keeps up their end of the bargain. Historically, this set-up for marriages was more common as women had fewer rights, and expectations of men in the home and in their engagement with parenting were different than they are today.
Why Function Alone Isn’t Enough for a Healthy Marriage
So, what provides the depth of connection and love that will last a lifetime? Our best understanding today points to secure attachment and emotional attunement with your spouse.
What Secure Attachment Means in Marriage
A clear and accessible way to understand secure attachment, based on the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel, is through the idea that we all need to feel “safe, seen, soothed, and secure.” These four components describe what it feels like to be emotionally connected and supported by your spouse.
A pared-down idea of what secure attachment feels like in marriage includes the ability to feel:
• Safe — knowing your partner is not a source of fear, judgment, or unpredictability, but someone you can turn to with vulnerability.
• Seen — feeling that your inner world is noticed, understood, and valued, not just your outward behaviors or roles.
• Soothed — experiencing comfort and emotional regulation through your partner’s presence, empathy, and responsiveness.
• Secure — developing a consistent sense that your relationship is reliable, stable, and a place you can return to for support and connection.
In marriage, these four elements form the foundation of a secure attachment bond, which allows couples to weather conflict, repair more easily, and deepen emotional intimacy over time. Dr. Siegel’s framework highlights that secure attachment isn’t about perfection—it’s about being present, responsive, and willing to repair when disconnection happens.
What Attunement Looks Like in a Relationship
Attunement (think of instruments being tuned to one another) means being aware of one another’s emotions and able to turn toward those emotions, having tolerance for our differences and seeking to understand instead of change, being non-defensive, and responding with empathy.
According to Sue Johnson, secure attachment in marriage is created when partners are emotionally Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged—what she calls “A.R.E.” This kind of emotional attunement helps partners turn toward each other, respond with empathy, and create the safety that deepens intimacy.
How Attachment and Attunement Transform Your Marriage
When couples are able to engage in and incorporate these skills into their relationship, their love feels more alive. They feel like they have a “home” in their partner that helps undo some of the loneliness inherent in being human in the world. The “function” part of the relationship is easier to navigate through respectful and clear communication. Connected, healthy sex is more accessible and organic. Suffering is shared and felt together, in solidarity, with no push toward a certain outcome or exchange of efforts. The more we continue to engage in and cultivate this part of our relationship, the more sensitive and in tune we are with one another as we grow together.
When Reality Doesn’t Match Your Hopes for Marriage
As couples embark on their marital adventure together, the attributes listed above are what most of them are aiming for—and for good reason. Experiencing that depth of love with your favorite person for the rest of your life is worth signing up for! This is why it is so devastating when the dream does not match the reality.
When You’re Stuck in the “Function” of Marriage
If you find yourself struggling to get from just the function of marriage into something deeper, you’re not alone. Many couples get stuck here, and therapists are trained to not only help you figure out why, but also give you the skills to find one another again—or maybe for the first time. Therapy is an investment in the foundational parts of your relationship, and a great tool for facilitating connection that lasts a lifetime.
Recommended Resources on Attachment and Attunement
For those interested in reading more about attachment and attunement, here are some great resources:
Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families - Susan M. Johnson.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. - Dr. Sue Johnson
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love– Amir Lavine and Rachel Heller
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships – John Gottman PhD
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal– John Gottman PhD
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver